Stupid things.

Let us forgo the "it's been a while" crap for once, shall we? Just last night I was reading some old blog entries and things. And just now I felt the need to talk about something. So, I figured, why not.

I've started watching Grey's Anatomy. I'm on the second season currently. I like these sorts of shows. But at the same time, I hate them. I hate them so much. Because they make me feel. And they make me realize everything that is missing in my life. They depress me. They make me want to write horrible emo songs. They make me sad in general. They make me realize how pointless and empty my existence is. They make me face the lies I tell myself.

Cold cold water surrounds me now.

I don't try anymore. I don't know when I decided not to. I've given up on so many things. I've tried to tell myself I don't care. But I do. I just push it aside. But every now and then, on a day like today, it pushes back.

Yet another death in the family.

I come back to this thing for certain reasons. Boredom. Guilt of not posting. And most times, because I feel the need to talk about something. This is one of those times.

My uncle has died tonight. Or rather, is dying. They said, about 45 minutes ago, that he had an hour to live. If he isn't dead now, he probably will be in the next 15 minutes or so. I'm speaking of my uncle Dan on my father's side. He's a preacher, or was at one time. In recent years he's become a chaplain in the military. There's a lot I could say about him. The first thing that comes to mind is his excellent ability for storytelling. Not just storytelling, but funny storytelling. Being a preacher, he performed the funerals of both of my grandparents on my father's side (my grandmother's was just a few months back) and was able to turn a sad occasion into an enjoyable one. We were all literally laughing at the funeral. And it was great. The man had a gift. I wonder who will do his funeral, and if it'll do him justice.

I'm running out of family members. This is the fourth funeral in less than a year's time. My grandfather on my mother's side, my grandmother on my fathers, my "uncle" Marco, and now my uncle Dan. I ran out of grandparents, so the great beast in the sky (should it exist) decided to start taking uncles. Though, it's really my dad who's had the greatest losses. Both his parents are now dead, and now so is his little brother is as good as dead. He's on his way to DC right now, and I wish I could go with him. I want to be with him now. But I can't. Stupid fricken work.

Well, it's 1AM now. I'm guessing my uncle has left this world. Hopefully he's gone on to the afterlife he's always believed in, and is with his parents.

You know, with every person who's died, I have thought to myself that I wish I had gotten to know them better. And in my uncle Dan's case, I really, truly thought I still had the time to do that. You see, his death was/is a freak accident. Unexpected, to say the least. I'm still in a bit of shock.

Christmas Eve

My blog always gets neglected. Oh well. This is going to be another one of those blog posts where I have no idea what I want to talk about, and will type things seemingly at random. I haven't got much else to do at the moment.

There's been some new music I've listened to lately, of course. Namely My Chemical Romance's new album "The Black Parade" and also The Early November's "The Path". I shall talk about The Black Parade first.

It's good. It's really good. Some songs more than others, but not every album on the planet can possibly be as uniformly awesome to me like Jimmy Eat World's "Clarity". Anyways, The Black Parade is an excellent album. Quite a bit different from their previous album, "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge." There were some good standout songs on that one, but for the most part, it was too dark and gothic for my tastes. With this one, while there are still dark-ish subject in the lyrics (death, etc), the music in general is less gothic sounding. Which is good, for me. I heard MCR was trying to take elements of all the other bands they liked and fuse them together, along with their own sound, in this album. And you can tell. And it works. It really does.

The best song on the album has to be the title track, "Welcome to the Black Parade". It's an amazing song. There are so many great little..what do you call them? I don't know. Ideas, portions, hooks, something. I don't know. But there's a lot of them in this song. Different layers, and portions of the song broken down into different little awesome parts and styles that all fit so well together. Think Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, but not as extreme. Oh, and I've always been a big fan of marching band percussion (namely snare drums), which are used to good effect in this song.

The rest of the album is pretty good as well. Some not as much, but still, decent. One song that I feel I should hate, but can't help liking is "Cancer". I really hate songs that try to be sad. That isn't to say I dislike sad songs. But I hate ones that try so obviously. Cancer is perhaps the worst example ever. And yet I like the song. Weird.

As for The Early November's "The Path," well, it's actually the third part of a three-part/three disc album, "The Mother, The Mechanic, and The Path." I haven't really listened to the first two. I listened to this one on Sam's recommendation. This third disc is not a normal album like the first two. This one is more like a musical, a radio show, or something along those lines. It consists of interview "sessions" and ballads, that tell a story that spans two generations, a father and his son. It's really good, in my opinion. Though when it was over, I felt a bit emotionally drained. But yeah, it's excellent. Though Wyatt from Second Saturday thought it was a bit boring, though he liked a few of the songs. To each their own. I can't see myself listening to the whole album again any time soon, but I have listened to a few of the songs from it. They're really good. And the one song, "Never Coming Back" is very sad. It's a sad song that toes the edge of that line I mentioned, with TRYING to be sad, as opposed to actually being sad. But it manages to stay on the correct side. I think knowing the backstory of the people in the song (the one singing, and the person he's talking about) really make the impact larger. like, tenfold. Sad song. That isn't to say the whole album is sad. It isn't.

Oh, it's what you do to me.

A new "favorite song of the moment" has arrived. Well, no, it hasn't completely usurped "So Long, So Long", but more became its partner in crime. The song in question is "Hey There Delilah" by The Plain White T's. I'm ashamed to say I first heard of the band and this song in particular on Fuse. Anyways, I really like this song. There are two versions of it. The one on their 2005 album, "All That We Needed", and the "New Version", which is the same exact recording but with some strings added. I prefer this "new" version. The strings add a bit more feeling to it overall.

And yet, both versions lack something. I almost want to play around with it and do a remix. It wouldn't be too hard to do. Not sure how good it'd sound though. I think I'd take the album version, and use the "New Version" as a guide as to what needs adding. Though I might end up just using the "New Version", keeping the strings, but adding even more stuff. I'm not sure. I don't even know if I'll do it. I seem to start a lot of little projects and never finish them. Though this one I'm fairly confident I could do in a single day. Perhaps this weekend.

I've listened to the rest of "All That We Needed". Well, not entirely, but some of it. It's nothing like "Hey There, Delilah." It's always annoying to go into in album after hearing one song and finding the rest of the album totally different. This has happened to me many times in the past. Even though I know to expect it, it doesn't make it any less disappointing. But, but, but. This album does have potential. I need to give it another listen. In fact I'm listening to one of the songs right now and it's pretty good. They have another previous album called "Stop" (2002). Then the "Hey There Delilah EP" which has a couple different versions of that song on it, plus some others, which came out this year. And now they've completed another album which they mentioned on Fuse when I saw them (on Steven's URS). I can't remember what it's called. I have no idea when it's due out.

If you're curious about them, and don't want to bother downloading any of their music, just go to their website and listen to their built-in flash player. You can even hear "Hey There Delilah" on it. It's the "New Version."

Argh. It's getting late. I should've been in bed 20 minutes ago. Speaking of which, I didn't finally fall asleep last night until around 3:30. Hopefully if I go to bed now I can actually fall asleep.

Second chances I won't get.

Title has nothing to do with this post, I don't think. In fact, I'm not sure what I'm going to be writing in this one. I usually start writing a blog entry with at least a basic idea of what I want to talk about. Not this time. I just feel like writing something. I guess it's something to do while I'm trying to get tired enough to fall asleep. My hours at work changed again. I'm used to going to bed at 2AM. But now I need to start going to bed at midnight. Well, it's 12:33 and I'm still awake and not tired in the least.

Well, the weekend has come to a close. I didn't really do much this weekend. Actually, I did absolutely nothing. I played Battlefield 1942 a bit. Watched a lot of the shows I had recorded on my DVR. That's about it.

The days pass so quickly now. It's as if time has sped up. It still feels as if it's Friday night and my weekend should just be starting, but it's very early Monday morning. The weeks go by fast too. I'm not sure why my perception of time has changed so drastically. But it's really annoying.

Ugh. I'm listening to a Rooney song. The only Rooney song I have, in fact. "I'm Shakin'." Blah. Fricken Rooney.

Hmm. These thoughts are all very disconnected.

"So Long, So Long" by Dashboard Confessional is really good. I'm a Dashboard fan in general. Mostly I like his/their older stuff. But I really like this song from his/their new album. "I drive this ocean road and remember.. small of your back, nape of your neck, I remember everything as I drive, waving this town goodbye..."

My existance here is rather...pointless. I mean, my life.. It's going nowhere, like before. I'm "stuck" again. I talked about that a lot before. When I was still living with my dad, without a job. But I got out of that situation. Yet again I feel stuck.

I wonder, do people ever commit suicide out of sheer boredom with their life? "I'm so fricken bored, might as well kill myself and see if the afterlife is more exciting, if one exists at all?" Hmm.

I'm stuck for many reasons, right now. One being literally stuck HERE. I don't have a car or a license at the moment. So I basically can't go anywhere. That one doesn't bother me so much. Though I admit it'd be nice to actually have the freedom to go anywhere I wanted at any time, within reason. But no, there's other things. My job, I don't like it. I mean, it's okay. But I don't enjoy it. And I don't see myself getting another job any time soon. And.. and then there's the whole girl-factor. I want a female counter-part, damnit. But I don't try and get one. In fact I do my best to avoid such things. I mean, right now, I'm a big fat guy, I don't drive, my job is stupid, and my apartment sucks. I can't see how any female could possibly be attracted to that. So I don't bother. But I want to bother. I need to bother. But I won't bother. More things need to be in line before I bother. I moved out of my father's, and got a job. Those were two parts of a five part equation. I still need to lose weight, get my license, and get a car. I'm not going to bother until I complete those three goals. Right now they seem impossible. But so did getting a job and moving out, before.

At the moment, getting my license seems like it'll be the hardest part. It actually had three sub-goals. I need to get my temps again. Then I need to actually drive. I've driven once, in a large empty parking lot. I didn't do so well. I need practice. And it'd have to be my dad who does it with my, but it'd have to be in my step mother's SUV, because I can't fit behind the wheel of my dad's truck. And I know she won't like that. But then, after those two things, I have to actually go and take my driver's test.

For the first time in my life, I think I might actually be able to lose weight. I've been like this my whole life, and I finally seem to be in a situation where I might be able to actually do it. I have complete control over what I eat now. Which wasn't the case before. I've been eating better, with some exceptions. I need to control myself though. No more ordering pizza once a week just because I don't have anything in my apartment I feel like eating. I've only been living here for two months, and I'm already familiar with the delivery people. That's scary. No more. It's bad for me, AND it's costing me money.

Speaking of money, I canceled my health insurance because it was costing me too much. I keep thinking that it was a bad idea to cancel it, but I really do need that money. Especially if I'm saving for a car. Yet, if something happens to me, say I injure myself, I'm screwed.

Ahhh. I should go to bed. It's after 1.

Emotional Growth vs. Fading Sanity

I've gone through a lot of changes the last few years. I'm speaking of the mental and emotional ones at the moment. My taste in music is not what it was, even a year ago. My idea of "a good time" is not what it used to be. My consept of "fun" has changed drastically. My sense of humor is almost unrecognizable as what I would define as being "mine". Things affect me in different ways now. It's hard to articulate what I mean.

Sometimes these changes make me wonder if I'm growing as a person, or if I'm actually sliding lower on the downward slope into insanity. A few of these realizations were posted in my previous blog. Many were not. There were a few that started out as journal entries when I was writing them, but I decided they were far too personal. They were things too embarassing or just too weird that I didn't want people to know. I think I might've saved a few of them. Others, after I'd finished writing, I closed without saving, deciding they were better left alone.

Okay, I just found one of the ones I did in fact save. It's not as extreme as some of the others, but still quite personal.

March 3, 2005

I think I'm losing it...

I'm not sure what's causing it. Whether it be the fact that I'm held prisoner under a veil of almost constant aggrivation, or the fact that I spend the majority of my time alone, alone with my thoughts. I'm sure you have no idea what I'm referring to. Here's an example:

Tonight, I was watching a certain favorite tv show of mine, and I was brought to the brink of tears. The brink, I said, not tears, but my eyes were full and ready to leak, you get the idea. This time, it was because of the sadness the characters in this particular episode felt. Now, this never really used to happen before. When I say before, I mean a few years ago, lets say 2001-ish. Pre-Colorado. But you see, it's not just sad things that do it to me. I never really understood why people would cry out of happiness. But now I do. And not even happiness really. I mean, I can be reading a book or watching a movie, whatever, and the sheer power of a certain moment can bring me to the brink of tears. Not a sad moment, not a happy moment, but just a powerful moment.

Like most guys out there, I've been sort of programmed from birth to not cry. There's always exceptions, like the death of a loved one, etc. But I'm constantly finding myself fighting that urge to cry, at times when I think other guys wouldn't even have the urge in the first place. Why? That's what I really can't figure out. Perhaps it has to do with that veil of aggrivation I spoke of before. Perhaps I'm so annoyed by my personal reality, that I become absorbed in these works of fiction. More than I should. I'm not saying I'm losing touch with reality, but that I'm getting more in touch with these other realities that, well, simply don't exist. It's escapism, like my dad says. I become part of those realities to get escape my own. But then that poses the question, that if the events in these false realities were taking place in the real world, would I be at the brink of tears then as well? I think I would. I'm sure I would. But I shouldn't be. It doesn't seem right.

There's also the question of whether this is a good thing or a bad thing...

Lately, movies, books, etc. that 'cause these emotions in me become my favorites. Does that mean I like feeling that way? I'm not sure. Maybe it does.

Why am I posting this now? I guess I'm not as ashamed of it as I was then. This is the first time I've read it since I wrote it. I know the answer to that last question now. Do I like feeling that way? Yes, I do. I very much do. Oh, and it finally did happen though. I did in fact cry while watching a tv show. In fact, more than once. But especially in the last episode.

I'm speaking of Six Feet Under. "At different times it's funny, goofy, insane, serious and sad. Sometimes, you can go through the entire spectrum of emotions (not just the ones I've mentioned) in one episode. It's kind of amazing. That isn't to say it's an "emotional rollercoaster ride" or anything. It's not like that. Most times, it's completely subtle." I said that in a blog post last year. It's true. And that was when I'd only seen the first season. It became so much... more as it went along. I even bought the last season just so I could see it without waiting on HBO On Demand to update, a couple months ago. I'd planned on selling it on ebay shortly afterward (seeing as I payed $80 for it!), but I couldn't bring myself to do it.






By the way, the song "So Long, So Long" by Dashboard Confessional (and with Adam Duritz of Counting Crows) is excellent. You could say it is my "favorite song of the moment."

Welcome to the new era.

I forgot I had this blog made already. That makes things easier. This will be my new blog. My old one is already linked to in my first post (from last year, heh). It's kind of plain looking right now, but I prefer it at the moment. I'm sick of those weird colors I had on my LiveJournal.


What's new? Hmm. Well, I finished my handheld NES. Well, actually, I finished one that some one else started. I ended up having to redo most of it because it got messed up in shipping. Actually, I wouldn't say it's finished so much as functional. Sort of like my PSOneP. Functional, but not finished. At least the PSOneP had a case. Even if it was cardboard and electrical tape. This one just has all the parts sort of hotglued together to form the basic shape. It needs a case. The PSOneP needs a case. Why haven't I built either of these a proper case yet? I need a dremel. I mean, I've already got some bondo, etc. I just need a dremel so I can cut holes properly in whatever I'm going to use for my cases. Oh, and I need another battery. Right now I'm using the battery from my PSOneP to power my NESp. It's huge, and really not needed. I don't need that long of a battery life for this portable. It consumes much less power.

As far as games go, I haven't played many at all. I haven't been in a game playing mood. I thought I would be once I moved out. I even bought a bunch of games from a guy on ebay because of it. But once I moved out, I realize I didn't feel like playing games much. Though I have had a lot of fun tinkering with the aforementioned handhelds. The only game I can think of that I actually put some time into recently was Trilby's Notes. It's the third game in Yahtzee's "5 Days a Stranger" series. I beta tested it. It was really good. Can't wait for the next one.

On the music front, I haven't listened to a whole lot of new stuff, really. For a while there I was very much into The New Amsterdams, The Early November, and Something Corporate (outside of just "Konstantine" I mean). While I still listen to all three now and then, there isn't anything very recently right now that as grabbed my attention. There hasn't been a time in recent memory where I've come home from work and just had to hear a certain song/album. Whereas it used to happen all the time. Like I said, nothing I've been introduced to lately has really grabbed me.

Ozma is having a reunion tour, but aren't coming to Ohio. They are, however, going to Chicago and Washington D.C. I might have a ride to the DC show, but it'd be a bit akward. I think it'd be cheaper to go to the Chicago show, especially using Mega Bus. I probably won't end up going to either though. Which is a pity, because it's The Rentals' reunion tour as well. I'm not 100% familiar with them, but what I've heard I've liked, and I would love to see them live.